First Court Day

At 9am I was downtown in a small court room which had seating for 8 people.  The judge sat in the front facing an enormous TV that displayed the live streaming video a detainee some where else in the country.  If this case gave a hint to what our future held, it did not look good.  No bail, voluntary departure request denied. Next came Jose.  Mr. Little B asked for a continuance for as long as they would give so that he could prepare for court since he was just hired last week.  Request granted,  August 1st.  They allowed me to see Jose and speak to him for a moment.  It was good to see him after a month of only speaking to him.  I cried.  Jose, of course, was calm and collected.

 I walked away feeling a little numb.  I thought I was going to pass out in that cold room.  When we walked out I was given a task.  To obtain any evidence that would help Joses case.  Family pictures and letters from friends and family vouching for Joses character.  I'm on it boss!   I should be sorting through pictures this weekend and will print them soon enough.  The letters on the other will take a bit longer to get but not impossible.  I've already called upon my friends and family, I am very grateful we have that kind of support.  Dear God please let all this help in some way.

WTH???

After seeing Jose's attorney last night I wanted to send a note to him ASAP to give him some info before he's in court on Wednesday.  Since he's not going to call until Monday night I want him to have the info on paper so he can review it.  I went to the post office this morning to send him the letter over night.  The woman at the post office looked at the "to" address and as she proceeded to process everything she started rattling off stuff and then asked if I needed stamps or passport applications....I politely said "No thank you." but in my head I thought "Bitch what you tryin' to say?".  Ok I admit it, I'm most likely reading waaaaaaay to into it, it is one of their "services" after all,  but she didn't ask any of the other two people who were there if they need passport applications....WTH?

Attorney hired

The immigration attorney has been hired and now we wait.  I like that he's very passionate about what he does.  Our conversation didn't last very long today I made my points and brought up the ICE memo, to which he responded "The ICE attorneys here have not even heard of it." and when he asked a judge about it the judge said "It's not going to make a difference".  Basically he said, ICE and Mr. Obama are pandering for the Latino vote.  It seems that the memo was sent out to make it seem like something is being done to help the community when in reality they are still trying to hit their yearly quota of over 300,000 people deported.  You might say what do you expect the memo came out almost a week ago?  The thing is, it affects peoples lives.  It affects my life.  If that memo came out Friday the attorneys should be putting it into effect Monday.  I understand some things take time but that is something I don't have.  Jose has court Wednesday and if these attorneys read the memo and put it into effect he might be let go....but they haven't and might not ever read that memo and where will that leave us?

After our meeting I practically ran with Mr. Little B to the local church, he picked up a rosary and a book and he bought me the Virgin de Guadalupe card I want to send to Jose.  He had them blessed and ran back to his next appointment and I stayed and cried and prayed.  He informed me of the vigil that is held every Friday morning down town for the people being deported that morning.  I'm thinking of going and add to the support...I'm afraid to see the buses leave though.  I'm not sure I'll be able to handle seeing all those people being taken away.

What Mr. Little B said doesn't mean we're not going to fight, it just means we are going fight even harder.  Laws are placed in such a way that they suppress minorities.  In Joses case, even though he was convicted of a crime where there was no victim, no one was hurt yet he is marked as an undesirable, a person who is deportable in this countries eyes.  It doesn't matter that he made a mistake that Millions of Americans make every day (and have every right to make but that is a topic for another day), or that he's a stay at home dad or that his son who desperately needs him is waiting for him to come home.  They don't see the people, they see the conviction. They don't see the broken home or a family torn apart, they see their quota increased.

200 what?!?!

I got last months phone bill...yup it was over 200 bucks, more than double from last month.  A total of about 8 phone calls from Jose cost me over $150.  I was shocked...that's about how much money we raised this weekend to be used towards attorney fees.  I'll admit it, my first reaction was to cry but I told myself to postpone the river till after I called the phone company.  Good thing I did, they were nice enough to work something out and let me pay it spread out in several months.  Who would have thought that phone calls would cost so much?  I mean I knew it could get expensive but what the hell?  It's a total rip off.  Not only is the CCA making money off of Jose being there but somebody is making booku bucks off of those phone calls home.  It's a rip off I tell ya!  A RIP OFF!!

So call nights are gonna be once a week and we gotta keep 'em short and sweet.

The impact on Cairo & I'm hiring the attorney this week

When Cairo was just starting to speak he stuttered.  We helped him by telling him to slow down and think about what he wanted to say then say it.  We thought he stuttered because his mind was going a million miles per hour and his mouth couldn't really keep up.  Over time he out grew it.  Well now it's back.  I'm sure it's not because his mouth can't keep up.  I'm almost sure it's because of what is going on with Jose.  

He's become very attached to me and refuses to be alone for a long period of time.  Granted he's never been one to be off on his own but I feel like he's become fearful of being alone, even if he's watching TV or playing.  Seriously, I can't go to the bathroom without hearing "moooooommm?".  He starts looking for me....and to top it off I think he's starting to have an eating disorder :(  He's always been a good eater....but recently it's out of control.  He's only five!!  He shouldn't have these kinds of problems.  I've called my Dr. and have asked for a referral to a family therapist, I'm hoping they call by tomorrow.  We both need to talk to someone.  I don't think I can stay sane for much longer.  I miss Jose with every cell in my body.

Thursday afternoon I will head over to see Mr. Little B. and officially hire him.  I've looked at that memo sent out last week and I don't see why we can't fight and win.  I still haven't heard from Mr. Big B.  I wonder if he's avoiding me...Jose is supposed to call tomorrow and I want to have good news for him...at least something that will help keep his spirits up.

No verdict on the memo

I talked to Mr. Little B., he didn't have any good news for me.  Since the memo I mentioned before is relatively new no one knows how the prosecutors are going to be taking it or putting it into effect.  I refuse to give up, but as time passes and the less positive things I hear from the people who are in the line of fire my mind lingers back to my Mexico survivor guide :(  On paper they may be deporting just him but in reality they would be deporting the three of us.

I still have not hired him, I'm waiting, again, for Mr. Big B to get back to me.  I hope it's soon.  It's coming to the point where we have to decide do we add on debt for the attorneys fees and risk still being deported or do we give up and accept what is being dealt to us?  I don't want to leave, this is my home, but I can't live with my family separated and added debt on top of it.  I have a somewhat stable job with benefits and it's safe here, I don't want to exchange that with unemployment and a possible death sentence.  I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

He finally called!!

Jose finally called today!  Thank GOD!  He didn't call yesterday for the very same reason I thought.  He's ok, he got to see the Dr. and got some meds and lotion,  Hopefully the infection will clear up soon.

On an other note...there was a memo sent out by ICE, it was announced at the AILA conference in San Diego, I've been keeping tabs via twitter and articles:

"In a fix likely to have broad practical effect, Mr. Morton issued a memorandum that greatly expanded the factors immigration authorities can take into account in deciding to defer or cancel deportations. Agents are now formally urged to consider how long an illegal immigrant has been in the United States, or whether the immigrant was brought here illegally as a child and is studying in high school or college.

In practice, the memorandum gives immigration agents authority to postpone or cancel, on a case by case basis, deportations of illegal immigrant students who might have been eligible for legal status under a bill stalled in Congress that is known as the Dream Act.

The authorities are also instructed to give “particular care and consideration” to veterans and active duty members of the military, especially if they have been in combat, and to their close relatives.

Mr. Morton also expanded the authority of federal lawyers who handle cases in immigration courts to dismiss deportation proceedings against immigrants without serious criminal records."

I just hope it means good news for us. 

*CROSSING FINGERS*

He hasn't called since Sunday!!

Geese!  Jose was supposed to call on Wednesday. The phone rang but there was nothing on the other end so I hung up. I watched the phone like a hawk and nothin!


I thought he'd call last night, but he didn't.  I hope that's because the phones are turned off on Thursdays and don't turned off till really late.  That's when people are taken to be deported. I guess they don't want people to call their loved ones to let them know?


I don't know if I should be concerned or not.  He's had a bad skin infection since he's arrived at the prison.  He's got sensitive skin and it's not taking well to the sheets or soap or something.  The nurse has only been giving him some pomada to put on there but it hasn't been working :( 


I hope he's ok and calls tonight.

Dear Supporters of State Immigration Laws

It seems like every day every state in the country is attempting to pass it's own immigration law.  It started with Arizona and has spread rampant across the country, one bill after another.  Some are passing some are not.  I get it, states are frustrated.  The federal government is playing tug of war with the subject and basically ignoring the issue by playing the blame game.  My issue with these laws is this, as a Latina who is a US citizen by birth I feel personally attacked by these laws.

These laws that are popping up are being set up so that undocumented immigrants can be found and essentially be "sent back home" even if they have set roots and have US family members in this country. How are these laws supposed to be enforced by local law enforcement officers?  What is a valid reason for an officer to be "suspicious" of  a person being undocumented?  You can't tell by looking at them, undocumented immigrants come in every walk of life, just like their "legal" counter parts.  Is it a persons accent?  The color of their skin?  Is it cuz their freaked out some cop just pulled them over, gun in hand? How are local law enforcement officers going to be prevented from stereotyping?

Reality is that when a person thinks "illegal immigrant" they see images of tanned skin, brown hair, brown eyes bouncing around in their head.  I take offense to this, I'm a dark haired, tanned skinned person.  Do I look undocumented?   Truth of the matter is if I forget my DL at home for what ever reason and I get pulled over by a cop, I would say there's a good chance he's gonna take me in.  If Mr. Tom Smith get's pulled over without a DL, he's probably going to get a verbal warning and will be off on his merry way.  There is a higher chance authorities will doubt my  "papers" authenticity...not so of Mr. Smiths.  My point is why should the majority be inconvenienced just so that the minority can pretend to feel safe?  (By minority I mean old white men)  Why do any of you feel like it's ok and should be a burden that we should bare?  If you are a person of color who is in favor of these laws, think twice buddy, you my find yourself in an immigration prison the next time you get pulled over. Don't take my word for it, Google it. There are plenty of US citizens who have almost been deported and others that have because of this.  These laws are violating my rights and are offensive to me a US citizen who should not have to live in fear just because I'm browner than the jackasses...ahem...politicians who are making these laws up.

If these politicians had any sense of justice and in doing the right thing they would get rid of these blatantly racist laws and put pressure on the federal government to take care of the issue.  Immigration reform is needed there is not doubt about it.   No one should have to wait a decade before being able to even start the process of bring their loved one home.  People shouldn't be barred from ever coming the US because of none violent mistakes that Americans do ALL THE TIME.

Violent undocumented immigrants have no place here.  Sorry Bud, you broke into a DD for some munchkins at gun point, you're SOL.  It's easy to accept these laws when you are not a victim of them. 

A Child's Prayer

Every night Cairo and I pray.   Usually I go first and pray out loud so that Cairo can hear me.  It starts with being grateful for all of our blessings and then Jose comes center stage.  Cairo goes next and typically he takes bits and pieces of what I said and puts them together in what ever order he feels they should go.  They don't make much sense in the end but it's all about intention and his heart, which is always focused on his dad. One of his prayers really stood out last week.

Side Note:
One of Joses major concerns is that the basement gets flooded.  Every time it rained he would ask if we got rain in the basement, thankfully each time the basement was dry.  Memorial day weekend we had major rain here in the mid west, so much rain fell that Sunday that our basements luck ran out.  We got several inches of water in the basement and even though it was pretty much empty we still had not finished unpacking, we had plenty of boxes on the floor.  I was forced not only to clean up the mess on Monday but to unpack.  Cairo was watching TV in the basement and I was in the dining room when I heard "Mom! Mom!".  I ran down the stairs to find Cairo stranded on the sofa and water gushing out from the drain, it was like old faithfull had moved in.  I saved him and as we looked at the water rising, for a second crazy thoughts started to take over, "what else can go wrong?  I don't need this right now.  I can't afford the damage. I wish Jose was here."  I felt a full blown, borderline crazy woman, break down creep it's ugly head and as the tears started to flow my mind started to clear and I thought it's just water, they are just objects and what ever mess is left in the end it can be either cleaned up or thrown out.  Then I smiled.  My mom and I spent all day Monday cleaning up my basement and I kept the crazy woman  at bay.


Cairos prayer as always was very sweet, only this time he told Diosito in a very desperate tone "...and Diosito, please bring my papi back soon, we had a lot of water in the basement and we really needed him..."  I started to tear up.  Cairo had realized how big of a deal it was to get water in the basement, and Jose had always saved the day in the past but he was not there to save us that day.  He made the association that we were in trouble and we needed Jose, how deep is that for a 5 year old  kid? Cairo did not express any concern about the water before hand, not even the day of, I mean we were both freaked out as it was happening but he did talk about what he was feeling out loud, but they started to come through like in that prayer.  It made me realize that he is feeling all kinds of emotions and fears that he is not vocalizing.  I can only imagine what my poor baby is feeling, which concerns me even more how all this is going to affect him?

I Miss My Papi

Not a day goes by that my changito tells me that.  Most of the time he's a normal 5 year old, playing with cars watching cartoons.  Now that he's on summer vacation he's hopefully going to be doing all kinds of fun stuff with his Auntie, who by the way is my life saver.  He can still laugh out loud but there is something in this eyes that was not there before.  This look of confusion mixed with sadness, it intensifies when call night comes and he gets to talk to Jose.  You can see the happiness and confusion on his face when he hears Joses voice.

I can't imagine the mixture of emotions he must be going through, he's so small.  I mean it's tough on me, I cry all the time, I dream about my Gordo being here my emotions are totally up and down.  One day I'm on the verge of a nervous break down, I'm planning my Mexico survival strategy on an other and then I'm thinking fuck that he's gonna be home!

What about Cairo?  He's not old enough to know the details of why his papi can't come home.  All he knows is that his dad didn't come home one day.  All he knows is that his dad made a mistake and is now in a "jail house".  He's 5 and his dad, his best friend, the guy that played carritos with him and took him to the park every day possible, his "comaprre" (compadre) just fell off the face of the earth.  He get's to hear his voice a couple times a week and every now and then gets a letter in the mail telling him how much he is missed and loved.  All he hears is promises of being reunited with his comparre.

The truth of the matter is that I feel guilty.  I reassure him and tell him that one day papi will come home and we'll be together again.  The thing is that is not necessarily the truth.  There is a possibility that his papi will never come back.  What then?  I know it's too soon to even think that way but it's a possibility.  What will happen to Cairo if his papi doesn't ever come home?

First Court Date Set

Jose finally has a court date assigned, it's in a couple weeks.  By then I will have hired Mr. Little B. and Mr. Big B will be back from his vaca and have those transcripts in hand, or should have them shortly after.   I suspect we will have a continuance to give Mr. Big B more time.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride at the bottom of the final massive hill.  The feeling of scared excitement swarms me inside and out.  The waiting is over.  The climb is about to begin.  When it's all over, are we going to walk away together and grateful we survived or are we going to add to the yearly statistics?

Call Nights

Call nights are a huge deal now.  We can't afford Jose calling home every night so he calls about 1-2 times a week.  When he was at a county prison for a month it cost about $120 for him to call my cell phone and a service provided by the correctional facility.

For those who don't know, you can't receive collect calls on cell phones.  You have to prepay to get calls through and the fees are huge!  You basically open an account where you deposit money.  There is a flat fee to deposit money to the account, then there is a fee to connect the call then there is a per minute fee and a monthly fee if you have the service for longer than a month.  If you add all that up it can be *very* costly to talk to your loved one in prison.  The more you look at this the more you realize how much of a rip off this is.  If you think about it,  you won't find rich people in prisons,  people who can afford to pay all those fees just to communicate with loved ones.  The majority are lower income and probably can't afford to make those calls or set up those accounts.  The system is set up to alienate the inmates from their families as much as possible, I can't help but wonder why?

We can't afford for Jose to call home very often so we have call nights, once Jose calls home we set a date for the next time he's going to call.  They are usually 3-5 days apart depending on what is going on.  I've set up a land line at home, the cheapest I could find, just so that he can call home and I wouldn't have to pay to deposit money into an account every time the phone account ran low.  Do you know it's like to not speak to your husband or wife for 3-5 days not knowing how they are?  For 3-5 days I don't know if he's ok, hurt or sick.  I can only pray that he is ok and that God is looking out for him.  I feel like a zombie at work, my mind wonders, I'm unfocused and find myself sad and crying through out the day.

As call day keeps getting closer and closer I hope and pray that he's change his mind and will call sooner than planned.  I toss and turn every night, I still wake up a few times during the night.  I couldn't sleep or eat the first month he was away.  When that night finally arrives every minute that passes is an eternity.  I go through my routine with my son and I just look at the clock, I watch every single minute pass and my stomach sinks deeper and deeper as the phone refuses to ring.  I get to the point that I check the phone for a dial tone and I call it with my cell just to make sure it still works.  When the phone finally rings my heart jumps and this feeling of relief comes over me when I hear the automatic message saying it's him calling.  I have to fight the tears when I am finally able to say "Hi Gordo!" and I can hear his voice on the other end.  You can hear the sadness mixed with the relief and joy to hear our voices when he speaks.  Tomorrow is call night, and I am a mess.

Transcripts Update!

I just got a call from Mr. Big B's office.  They've gotten a response on cost from the courthouse about their request for the case transcripts.  It took about 3 weeks to find them.   They've been ordered.  Instead of giving a snotty remark, although it's aching to come out, I'll say I'm very grateful that they've gotten a response, it means Mr. Big B can move forward with Joses case soon.  Hopefully it will not take that long to get the actual transcripts into Mr. Big B's hands, Jose should have a court date assigned any day now.  I'm praying he'll find a way to vacate that case...without that our chances will be very slim of getting my Gordo back home.

It's Day 63

It's been 63 days since Jose was arrested and this is where we are now:  no where.  He is still in Tri County Detention Center down state, approximately 6 hours away from home.  Mr. Big B (Jose Criminal Attorney) has not gotten back to me yet about vacating Jose's old case from 2005.  I'm going to see Mr. Little B. (Joses immigration attorney) this Saturday to officially hire him.  I will be paying half of the retainer for his services. So far Jose has not been assigned a court date and that is a good thing.  The longer it takes the more time Mr. Big B. has to figure out what he's going to do with that old case.  Every night I pray that he can do it and make it stick.  Apparently the current states attorney (and proud Mexican-American) has been appealing cases like Joses preventing people from clearing their records and therefore making it impossible for them to fight their immigration cases.

On the upside Jose applied to work at the prison, me dijo "alcabo aqui no piden papeles".  It's good to see that he is in good spirits and has kept his sense of humor.  Extraño mucho a mi Gordo.

Really Emotional Reading

I recently read the blog written by Emily Guzman.  Their families experience left me in tears, not only because it brought out the emotions from what we are going through but because another family suffered great pain as a result of the current immigration policy.

Emily and Pedros story has given me hope and inspiration.

Jose has been in an immigration prison for almost three weeks now.  He still does not have a court date.  I have not seen him in over a month, Cairo has not seen him since April 5, 2011.  I am very grateful that he's at least still in Illinois but the fact that he is 6 hrs away makes it financially impossible for me to visit him any time soon, not to mention that I don't have any vacation time from work to take.  Visitations are on Fridays, Saturdays & Sundays for only a few hours in the day and afternoons.

2 months and counting

Today marks 2 months since Jose was arrested.  Being away from us that long has not become any easier.  I still have a sinking feeling in my stomach 24hrs a day.  Today I just so happened to have planted a raised garden.  The plan was for Jose to create three boxes for me.  One would be dedicated for strawberries, one for herbs and another for tomatoes, peppers and what ever else we wanted.  I ended up buying a raised garden kit, filled it with dirt and planted everything that fit in there.  I had bought banana and poblano pepper plants, they are Joses favorite peppers.  I was so naive last month that I bought them thinking Jose would be home to plant them.  They were sitting in my bay window and I didn't feel up to planting them in the back yard.  This was something Jose, Cairo and I were going to do together, having to tackle this kind of project without Jose is like me trying to program without keyboard.

My sister-in-law helped me, we put together the kit and planted the plants.  I'm actually glad we ended up planting them, I would have felt really bad if I let them dry out.  Here is a picture of my raised bed, I really wish Jose was here to see it.  I'm sure he would have teased me about it, he's more of a power tool hurling, DIY guy.

The roses that are behind my house are blooming.  They are beautiful.  I planted a raspberry bush on the left and a blueberry bush on the right of them.  There used to be a curve to that area, I pulled out the bricks and cut out the corners to plant the berry bushes.  It was a lot of work, trust me I was totally wishing I had Joses muscles to help.  When I spoke to him about it he laughed and asked if I broke a nail, I was proud to say I didn't.  I told him that the project is being left as is until he gets home.  It kinda sucks that life has to continue with out him, not that I want it to stop or anything but it sucks working on projects we had planned to do together.  My desire to do this kind of stuff without him is zero to none but it has to be done.  My co-worker described it perfecting, it's like you are mourning.  The only difference is that it wasn't death who took Jose away and every now and then I can hear his voice.  I feel miserable going through each day without Jose to share it with.  Cairo feels the same way, he just got a new bike this weekend thanks to Grandpa, and even though he was very grateful and happy to ride his new bike he told me he really wished his papi was there to see him ride it.

Last week Cairo had an award ceremony for completing Kindergarten, it was amazing to see all those little people get their award.  It was really emotional for me but I did my best to hold back the tears.  I really really wished Jose was there to see his little boy get his award.  I'm sure Cairo felt the same way.  When I told Jose about the award ceremony he got really quiet and couldn't speak.  I could not imagine how he felt to not be there to see Cairo with his classmates getting their awards.  His silence was enough to bring me to tears, I was blessed to have been able to be there with my son.  That is something that will never happen ever again, it was his very first year in school and it has now come to an end.  Jose has missed a huge milestone in Cairos life, that is something neither will ever get back.

Today is the completion of 2 months that our family has been split up and the beginning of a 3rd.

Dark Chapter

On April 5, 2011, just several weeks after moving in to our new home, Jose (my partner and sons father) was stopped by local police for a traffic violation and his bad decisions from years ago were back to haunt him, he had a warrant for his arrest.  When he was taken to bond court the following day we came to find he had an ICE hold, it was like receiving a blow to my stomach.  Not only was the man I love going to be held in prison for an unknown time he was at risk of being deported.


That day I had no choice but to tell my 5 year old son, and Joses number one fan, that his daddy was not coming home.  I felt like I had ripped my sons heart right out of him.  The tears he shed were like bullets tearing through my soul.  All I could do to comfort him was to tell him that I loved him very much and his daddy loved him very much and that I was going to do everything in my power to help his daddy come home.  I do not desire that experience onto anyone.  It has been months now since he has been away from us.   I can only wonder how the adult Cairo was to become is now forever changed as a result of this?

I started this blog to catalog our story.