Woah, it's been almost a year since my last post here.

Life just got in the way and I've kinda neglected posting on this blog. Truth is nothing exciting has been happening for us on the immigration front. We are still scheduled for court in September, we are just anxiously waiting.

Now that my son is on summer vacation I've been trying to go to the Broadview Immigration Vigil every Friday. The last time I was there, two weeks ago, I met a young woman whose significant other was being deported that day. She's about to give birth any day. I gave her my number in case she needed someone to talk to. She mentioned she didn't have anyone here. Her family is in another state. I really hope everything turns out ok for her.

I have to say, even though Jose is home with us, my heart aches for these families who are being torn apart. It's horrible watching the buses leave and the children and wives and husbands of those being deported standing there helplessly, crying. There just has to be a better way of handling this.

We got hitched!

My sister-in-law, Cairo and I drove early morning on Saturday to the detention center where Jose is currently being housed.  We were supposed to be there by 8am and arrived about a half hour early.  We were informed that it would be a while since the Judge had to look at 19 cases before we would be up in front of him.  I asked 3 different officers if they would let Cairo in with me, I was denied 3 times.  To there credit they seemed really sorry for denying the request, I understand rules are rules and they have to follow orders.

It was finally our turn, an officer came and got us.  Cairo and my sister-in-law would be allowed to watch the ceremony from another room through a window.  I walked in and saw my Gordo in his orange jump suit.  The first thing I asked was if I could hug him and I just grabbed him before they could even respond 'Yes'. Tears just came flowing and all I could do was pray that moment would last forever.  The Judge told us to hold hands and the ceremony began.  For some reason the words coming from the Judge had much more meaning and I hung on every word as we squeezed each others hand.  Finally he told Jose to kiss the bride.  He asked us to come forward to sign our names.  We hugged good-bye and that was that.

My sister-in-law said all the officers in the room with us were smiling ear to ear, there were at least 4 standing behind us.  I think there so many because Jose was not handcuffed.  I suppose we will be the talk of the town for a bit, I can't imagine they have prison weddings very often.  We couldn't stay for visitations, they were not going to be for another 2-3 hours and my sister-in-law had to go back home.  That day my co-worker stopped by with a carrot cake :D  She was so sweet, she said "I didn't know what was appropriate, so I got you cake!".  That night Cairo and went to visit a couple friends of mine.  One made me a congrats card and the other made me a mini wedding cake!  They are so funny. Plus she brought a bottle of wine to toast.  Another friend sent a gift card.  I swear this time around we got more cake, gifts and congratulations then the first time!! I am very lucky to have friends like these.  I really wish Jose was there with us to share the cakes and wine.

The next morning Cairo and I drove out to the prison again to see Jose.  We got there about 30 minutes early, some time after noon they called his name and we both jumped up.  We were sent to a room full of monitors and video cameras.  The visitation is via video....considering you are not allowed anything into the visitation room, no jackets, phones, keys...etc..God forbid we try to sneak something through the glass most prisons have.  Any way, we sat and within moments Jose was on the screen, it was great to see him again.  There was a phone to talk through, Cairo was really excited to see his dad and Jose was really happy to see us.  It was a 30 minute visit and since there are a max of 2 people who can visit him for 30 minutes a week (total, not each), we can not go back until next Sunday and they are sticklers on this rule.  I'm just glad I can see my Gordo every week until this is all over.

His next court date is Monday the 21st.  We have not heard from anyone about the old case.  I can only pray that this gets resolved soon so Jose can finally come home.

5 Months

Yesterday marked month number 5.  Where we are now really isn't that much better off than where we were last month.  We still have Mr. Little B helping us with Jose's immigration case and now we have Mr. L who is working on the rest for Mr. Big B.

When Jose was arrested in was the end of Spring and it was still very chilly outside, cold enough that we needed to keep the heat on in our newly purchased home. It is now chilly once again.  Jose has missed Summer, my birthday, Cairo's birthday, my sister-in-laws birthday and all the activities we were supposed to do this summer like camping, block parties and grilling outside.  Not a day, event or moment went by where I didn't wish he was there to share it with.  I miss him very much and our son misses him so much more than that.  Not even a 6 year old child's mind can over come the empty space.  Sure he has fun but while he's riding his bike or playing or eating cake or ice cream he remembers and sadly says "I miss my papi".  Just this morning on the way to school he asked "Why is it taking so long for papi to come home?" "Will they ever let him go?"  "I hope I'm not a grown up when he comes home".  It breaks my heart to hear my son so concerned about his father, he wants to be with his dad and there is nothing I can do about it but pray and wait.

Cairo has been in therapy for almost two months now and I will be starting next week.  I wasn't planning on seeing anyone, I kept pushing it off thinking "Jose is going to be home soon and it's all going to be better" but as day after day, week after week, month after month goes by I find myself getting weaker and weaker.  I hope and pray that he will be home and we can be a family again but I can't see the end of the tunnel and it's killing me on the inside.  Even as I write this I have this sinking feeling in my stomach and I'm trying to hold back tears.  Some days I feel like I am in denial, this didn't happen he'll walk in the door any minute.  Any minute he's going to call me at 1 O'Clock like he always does....then nothing.  The door never opens and the phone never rings and it all comes back in a horrible wave of emotion.  Every day I read the updates, the articles describing the current immigration changes, trying to read into them to see if there is hope for my Gordo, and there are none.  It's so unfair.  Jose is not a bad person, he just made mistakes and over came them. 

Cairos Birthday

Cairo turned 6 years old last week.  I was a little concerned about how he was going to be feeling not having his dad with him on that day.  My mom and sister-in-law took him out for lunch and we did something small that day at my moms house.  As it turns out as they were out having lunch Cairo did get sad, lowering his head and saying "My papi isn't here".  All my sister-in-law could do was hold him, they went home soon after that.  It broke my heart when she told me.  We can't see the emotion wounds he is carrying but they are definitely there.

Since Jose has been detained I've gotten closer to his family.  For what ever reason Jose did not keep in contact much with his siblings that live in the area but as a result of all this I've gotten closer to them.  I call his sister who recently moved out of state but I've been hanging out with his brother and his family who lives just 20 minutes away.  They offered to have a cook out for Cairos birthday, I couldn't say no.  I wasn't planning on doing something big for his birthday.  My plan was to have a party if Jose was going to be home but if he wasn't then I was going to take Cairo and a couple of his best buds out for a movie, food and ice cream.  Something small with family seemed like a good idea.


This past Saturday my brother, sister-in-law, mom, Cairo and I headed over to my brother-in-laws house.  I decided to make Cairos cake.  It was my first time making a cake for Cairo.  I had already done one for my mom, dad and sister-in-law, but I was really scared of making one for Cairo because...well...it's for Cairo and it had to be perfect!  Any way I made the cake.  It was the first time my family was going to meet my brother-in-law.  It was very nostalgic for every one.  My brother-in-law looks just like Jose, Jose is younger by about 5 years but they look very much alike. They talk the same, their mannerisms, expressions, everything, even the way they laugh and joke are the same.  Over and over you'd hear my mom say "OMG you're just like Jose" or "Jose is the same way".,  It got to the point that I had to apologize for my family comparing them over and over again.  My brother-in-law and his family understood.

It's very bitter sweet seeing Cairo with his Tio.  The first time we had gone to their home I wanted to cry.  It was like looking at an older Jose.  The first thing Cairo said was "you look like my dad.  Why do you look like my dad?".  My brother-in-law burst out laughing and told him because they were brothers.  Similarly when Cairo saw his dad after 3 months he told him "Dad!  I saw your brother and his face is like your face!!  Jose just laughed. Cairo was very excited. They are both very excited with each other. Cairo has another great uncle and my brother-in-law has a little boy to do boy stuff with. He has a daughter and even though she's the apple of his eye he's taking the time to get to know Cairo and do "guy" stuff.  Stuff Cairo would normally be doing with his dad.

Seeing them interact makes me feel like Cairo will have another male role model in his immediate life if Jose will not be allowed to stay us.  Thinking that way makes me feel like I am giving up or betraying Jose in some way.  Cairo needs his dad and no matter how well of a relationship he has with either of his uncles, it will not be the same.  Cairo needs Jose.

Jose didn't call on Cairos birthday. I knew he wouldn't have missed it if could help it.  I'm sure they didn't let him call.  You lose precious calling home privs when you're in the hole.  The last time he had called was Monday night.  When we got home on Saturday night we had a missed call from him.  It was a weird feeling because I felt relieved because the call meant he was still alive but sad because I didn't know when he'd be allowed to call home again.  My worst fear is that something bad happens to him while detained...I know the odds of him being killed there is probably slim but that's what I worry about when I don't hear from him. I worry that something has happened to him, he's sick or God forbid in a fight of some sort.  Luckily he called again on Sunday afternoon.  Cairo answered the phone while I was cutting down the jungle that grew in our yard. He came out yelling "Mom! Mom! My dad called and he said happy birthday to me!!!", then he passed the phone to me and I got to talk to my Gordo for a good 10 minutes, he was ok but still in the hole.  When we hung up I just cried and cried.

In less than two weeks we'll know if Jose will be allowed bond or not.  I'm praying for a miracle. 

Our looong story

I met Jose at a neighbors birthday party.  My family was there I arrived after spending all day studying at school, I was an undergrad at UIC.  My parents had already known Jose.  All I would hear after school is "Jose this" and "Jose that", I was a little annoyed to be honest but I had to see what all the hub-bub was about, so I made it a point to go and see who this famous Jose was.

I remember it like it was yesterday, I was in the living room talking to some people and in burst this annoyingly funny guy wearing part of a piñata on his head trying to scare one of the guys that was there.  I got one look at him and I thought to myself "is this it?", I wasn't impressed to say the least. Not too long after that, I was on summer vacation and my dad asked him to help out with project at our house.  The man was to dig a hole in the front yard for a sump pump.  Jose dug that hole with a steady pace and ease.  I was the water girl and watched every moment, needless to say he got my attention.  We started dating by the end of summer by the following year we were married.  I started the process to get Jose a green card then.  We didn't continue because Jose would have to leave the country for 10 years before I could complete the process.  This is one of those things a lot of people don't know.  This is why there are so many people who are still undocumented even though they have U.S. Citizen spouses and children.  Marrying a U.S. citizen does not automatically get a person a green card.  This cartoon does a decent job at explaining the process for people who want to come to the U.S (not for those who are already here).

Two years after we were married Cairo was born.  Two years after that we were divorced.  Don't get me wrong I loved him very much and I'm sure he loved me, but he had a lot of growing up to do and I got tired of waiting.  Quite frankly I didn't think Jose would ever change, he was a grown man set in his ways.  We were separated for about a year and during that year Jose was more involved in our lives than when we were living together.  He spent as much time as he could with Cairo.  Shoot, he even started to get along with my family.  He did as much as he could to help my brother at his house, Cairo and I were living there.  Jose shoveled snow, cut grass, painted rooms, fixed this and that.  He was around a whole lot during that year.   After that year we decided to give our relationship another try, I did still love him after all and we had Cairo who desperately loves him.   We got ourselves an apartment and there we were again at square one with a toddler.  In these last couple of years Jose showed me he did grow up.  He was more involved at home and with my family.  We spent almost every weekend at my parents house and we even went camping a few times.  Finally we were a family.  We decided we wanted to buy a house and we did March 17, 2011.  March 25th we moved in and 11 days later....well here we are.  Jose's in an immigration "detention center" (it's a prison no matter what you call it), I'm writing a blog and Cairo has started seeing a therapist at the age of 5.

The thing that bothers me the most about this whole ordeal is finding out how unjust the laws in place are.  You would think that once we were married and I started the process to get Jose a green card that there shouldn't be any hurdles.  Yet there is, a 10 year long hurdle.  Of course there is a waiver but good luck getting that accepted.   Even now, if we can not keep Jose here, he would be at least banned for 10 years before I could petition for him to come home, that would mean Cairo would be 16 years old by the time his dad could come live with us in the house we bought.  The other option would be to go live in Mexico, although if this were 10 maybe 5 years ago I might have jumped on the band wagon but considering all this stuff that's going on there (**warning, link contains violent images**), I'm scared out of my wits.  I don't know how the families who are already there do it.

Jose is not a bad guy, he has a good heart, is a good dad and a good husband to me.   He is my and Cairos family and we love each other very much.  Sure he's made mistakes in the past but who hasn't?  I've forgiven him, why can't our government?  The problem with this government is that it does everything it can to make it damn near impossible to progress.  Criminalizing moral decisions is not the role of government.  Far too many minorities are criminalized for minor drug charges.  The gap in sentencing between social classes and minorities is far is too large.   Undocumented immigrants are held in "detention centers" but are treated like terrorists.

It's sad that people who are residents or naturalized citizens have this false sense of security.  Any mistake, no matter how minor could be a slap on the wrist for an American but it means deportation for them. 

First Therapy Session

Last night Cairo went to his first therapy session with Katie.  I explained to him that we were going to a place where he was going to meet Katie and he was going to be allowed to play with toys and talk to her about anything he wanted to.  He right away asked if he could talk about his dad and I said of course.  

I was, and still am, a little apprehensive about the process.  Cairo is to be alone with a complete stranger for 45 minutes behind closed doors.  I know it sounds bad but he's my only son and it's bad enough our dysfunctional family is going to mess him up for life add to that his dad being ripped from his life at such a tender age, let's just say I don't want anything else to happen to him.   Katie, came out to the waiting room, she is super nice and I got the impression that she is very open to kids and their weirdness (cuz you know kids can be weird sometimes), I felt comfortable with her and Cairo was smitten with her the moment she said "Hi!".  I had told him if he didn't like her or didn't feel comfortable that he didn't have to go.  Right away he asked if he could go with her and off he went.  I spent the 45 minutes reading blogs on my phone, next time I'll take my ipod and listen to a book. When they came out it's like he was the energizer bunny.

"Mom! Mom! Guess what she has?!?!  She has a sand table and little monitos I got to play with and carritos and troquitas!!! Can I come back tomorrow???"

Yes, my little spanglish baby had a great time.  It felt good that he had fun.  I gave him his space and only asked if he had fun and if Katie was nice.  He told me that he got to play and to talk and that they talked about his papi.  He said he liked it and wanted to go back.  So here we are, day 1 of therapy for my changuito and he doesn't even know it.

The impact on Cairo & I'm hiring the attorney this week

When Cairo was just starting to speak he stuttered.  We helped him by telling him to slow down and think about what he wanted to say then say it.  We thought he stuttered because his mind was going a million miles per hour and his mouth couldn't really keep up.  Over time he out grew it.  Well now it's back.  I'm sure it's not because his mouth can't keep up.  I'm almost sure it's because of what is going on with Jose.  

He's become very attached to me and refuses to be alone for a long period of time.  Granted he's never been one to be off on his own but I feel like he's become fearful of being alone, even if he's watching TV or playing.  Seriously, I can't go to the bathroom without hearing "moooooommm?".  He starts looking for me....and to top it off I think he's starting to have an eating disorder :(  He's always been a good eater....but recently it's out of control.  He's only five!!  He shouldn't have these kinds of problems.  I've called my Dr. and have asked for a referral to a family therapist, I'm hoping they call by tomorrow.  We both need to talk to someone.  I don't think I can stay sane for much longer.  I miss Jose with every cell in my body.

Thursday afternoon I will head over to see Mr. Little B. and officially hire him.  I've looked at that memo sent out last week and I don't see why we can't fight and win.  I still haven't heard from Mr. Big B.  I wonder if he's avoiding me...Jose is supposed to call tomorrow and I want to have good news for him...at least something that will help keep his spirits up.

A Child's Prayer

Every night Cairo and I pray.   Usually I go first and pray out loud so that Cairo can hear me.  It starts with being grateful for all of our blessings and then Jose comes center stage.  Cairo goes next and typically he takes bits and pieces of what I said and puts them together in what ever order he feels they should go.  They don't make much sense in the end but it's all about intention and his heart, which is always focused on his dad. One of his prayers really stood out last week.

Side Note:
One of Joses major concerns is that the basement gets flooded.  Every time it rained he would ask if we got rain in the basement, thankfully each time the basement was dry.  Memorial day weekend we had major rain here in the mid west, so much rain fell that Sunday that our basements luck ran out.  We got several inches of water in the basement and even though it was pretty much empty we still had not finished unpacking, we had plenty of boxes on the floor.  I was forced not only to clean up the mess on Monday but to unpack.  Cairo was watching TV in the basement and I was in the dining room when I heard "Mom! Mom!".  I ran down the stairs to find Cairo stranded on the sofa and water gushing out from the drain, it was like old faithfull had moved in.  I saved him and as we looked at the water rising, for a second crazy thoughts started to take over, "what else can go wrong?  I don't need this right now.  I can't afford the damage. I wish Jose was here."  I felt a full blown, borderline crazy woman, break down creep it's ugly head and as the tears started to flow my mind started to clear and I thought it's just water, they are just objects and what ever mess is left in the end it can be either cleaned up or thrown out.  Then I smiled.  My mom and I spent all day Monday cleaning up my basement and I kept the crazy woman  at bay.


Cairos prayer as always was very sweet, only this time he told Diosito in a very desperate tone "...and Diosito, please bring my papi back soon, we had a lot of water in the basement and we really needed him..."  I started to tear up.  Cairo had realized how big of a deal it was to get water in the basement, and Jose had always saved the day in the past but he was not there to save us that day.  He made the association that we were in trouble and we needed Jose, how deep is that for a 5 year old  kid? Cairo did not express any concern about the water before hand, not even the day of, I mean we were both freaked out as it was happening but he did talk about what he was feeling out loud, but they started to come through like in that prayer.  It made me realize that he is feeling all kinds of emotions and fears that he is not vocalizing.  I can only imagine what my poor baby is feeling, which concerns me even more how all this is going to affect him?

I Miss My Papi

Not a day goes by that my changito tells me that.  Most of the time he's a normal 5 year old, playing with cars watching cartoons.  Now that he's on summer vacation he's hopefully going to be doing all kinds of fun stuff with his Auntie, who by the way is my life saver.  He can still laugh out loud but there is something in this eyes that was not there before.  This look of confusion mixed with sadness, it intensifies when call night comes and he gets to talk to Jose.  You can see the happiness and confusion on his face when he hears Joses voice.

I can't imagine the mixture of emotions he must be going through, he's so small.  I mean it's tough on me, I cry all the time, I dream about my Gordo being here my emotions are totally up and down.  One day I'm on the verge of a nervous break down, I'm planning my Mexico survival strategy on an other and then I'm thinking fuck that he's gonna be home!

What about Cairo?  He's not old enough to know the details of why his papi can't come home.  All he knows is that his dad didn't come home one day.  All he knows is that his dad made a mistake and is now in a "jail house".  He's 5 and his dad, his best friend, the guy that played carritos with him and took him to the park every day possible, his "comaprre" (compadre) just fell off the face of the earth.  He get's to hear his voice a couple times a week and every now and then gets a letter in the mail telling him how much he is missed and loved.  All he hears is promises of being reunited with his comparre.

The truth of the matter is that I feel guilty.  I reassure him and tell him that one day papi will come home and we'll be together again.  The thing is that is not necessarily the truth.  There is a possibility that his papi will never come back.  What then?  I know it's too soon to even think that way but it's a possibility.  What will happen to Cairo if his papi doesn't ever come home?

2 months and counting

Today marks 2 months since Jose was arrested.  Being away from us that long has not become any easier.  I still have a sinking feeling in my stomach 24hrs a day.  Today I just so happened to have planted a raised garden.  The plan was for Jose to create three boxes for me.  One would be dedicated for strawberries, one for herbs and another for tomatoes, peppers and what ever else we wanted.  I ended up buying a raised garden kit, filled it with dirt and planted everything that fit in there.  I had bought banana and poblano pepper plants, they are Joses favorite peppers.  I was so naive last month that I bought them thinking Jose would be home to plant them.  They were sitting in my bay window and I didn't feel up to planting them in the back yard.  This was something Jose, Cairo and I were going to do together, having to tackle this kind of project without Jose is like me trying to program without keyboard.

My sister-in-law helped me, we put together the kit and planted the plants.  I'm actually glad we ended up planting them, I would have felt really bad if I let them dry out.  Here is a picture of my raised bed, I really wish Jose was here to see it.  I'm sure he would have teased me about it, he's more of a power tool hurling, DIY guy.

The roses that are behind my house are blooming.  They are beautiful.  I planted a raspberry bush on the left and a blueberry bush on the right of them.  There used to be a curve to that area, I pulled out the bricks and cut out the corners to plant the berry bushes.  It was a lot of work, trust me I was totally wishing I had Joses muscles to help.  When I spoke to him about it he laughed and asked if I broke a nail, I was proud to say I didn't.  I told him that the project is being left as is until he gets home.  It kinda sucks that life has to continue with out him, not that I want it to stop or anything but it sucks working on projects we had planned to do together.  My desire to do this kind of stuff without him is zero to none but it has to be done.  My co-worker described it perfecting, it's like you are mourning.  The only difference is that it wasn't death who took Jose away and every now and then I can hear his voice.  I feel miserable going through each day without Jose to share it with.  Cairo feels the same way, he just got a new bike this weekend thanks to Grandpa, and even though he was very grateful and happy to ride his new bike he told me he really wished his papi was there to see him ride it.

Last week Cairo had an award ceremony for completing Kindergarten, it was amazing to see all those little people get their award.  It was really emotional for me but I did my best to hold back the tears.  I really really wished Jose was there to see his little boy get his award.  I'm sure Cairo felt the same way.  When I told Jose about the award ceremony he got really quiet and couldn't speak.  I could not imagine how he felt to not be there to see Cairo with his classmates getting their awards.  His silence was enough to bring me to tears, I was blessed to have been able to be there with my son.  That is something that will never happen ever again, it was his very first year in school and it has now come to an end.  Jose has missed a huge milestone in Cairos life, that is something neither will ever get back.

Today is the completion of 2 months that our family has been split up and the beginning of a 3rd.

Dark Chapter

On April 5, 2011, just several weeks after moving in to our new home, Jose (my partner and sons father) was stopped by local police for a traffic violation and his bad decisions from years ago were back to haunt him, he had a warrant for his arrest.  When he was taken to bond court the following day we came to find he had an ICE hold, it was like receiving a blow to my stomach.  Not only was the man I love going to be held in prison for an unknown time he was at risk of being deported.


That day I had no choice but to tell my 5 year old son, and Joses number one fan, that his daddy was not coming home.  I felt like I had ripped my sons heart right out of him.  The tears he shed were like bullets tearing through my soul.  All I could do to comfort him was to tell him that I loved him very much and his daddy loved him very much and that I was going to do everything in my power to help his daddy come home.  I do not desire that experience onto anyone.  It has been months now since he has been away from us.   I can only wonder how the adult Cairo was to become is now forever changed as a result of this?

I started this blog to catalog our story.