Laws Shmaws & my trip to the ER

Last week Jose had court for his immigration case.  It could have gone two ways. Either the judge was going to grant yet another extension or he was going to deny it and have us enter a plea.  Thankfully he granted the extension based on the petition the other attorney submitted.  Jose has a "conviction" from six years ago, even though it's not a conviction under Illinois law it sure hells is under immigration law and would bar him from returning to the U.S. for life.  So we are trying to vacate that conviction.

Today we went to Illinois criminal court to try and get the judge to look at our case and get the ball rolling to vacate the case.  There ar laws in place that allow for this...I don't know what they are, what matters is that the attorneys do, anyway we stood in front of the judge this morning to make our case.  Mr. Little B, John & myself.  We were confident, we were within the bounds of the law, nothing fishy going on, we were asking that is within Illinois law, the law was on our side and the judge totally shot us down.  John made our case, our family is being torn apart, the consequence is hugely disporportionate to the conviction and his response was "You can appeal the decision but I'm not gonna do it".  John argued, and by argued I mean ARGUED, we were within legal right of the law. I haven't gotten the transcript yet but the judge said something a kin to he was not there follow the law. John argued some more saying something like "hellllooo we're in court, what else are we supposed to be doing?". I'll update this post with the real quotes once I get the transcripts.  We were dismissed. "You can say what you want but you will not change my mind" said the judge.  Honestly, I thought John was going to be held in contempt.  As a matter of fact, he was prepared with someone to get him out if he were to have gotten himself arrested in court.  What do we do now? I'm not sure, but when John and Mr. Little B were talking they were mustering up another plan.  Hopefully this one will have positive results.

For the last several days I've had this tightening pain in my chest.  Today I was sent to the ER by my doctors office to get checked out.  Thankfully everything checked out ok. The whole time while I was half naked in a hospital gown I kept thinking how Jose should be there with me. The tears just flowed as the nurse asked me if I had problems at home, why I was stressed, if everything is ok. I told her Jose was being deported, she said "that's stressful" and that was that.  All the tests came back good and I was free to go. The sick part was that I hoped something was wrong with me, maybe it would help Jose come home.

Detention conditions and death at the border

It was good to hear Jose's voice yesterday.  He calls on Sundays now and we can only talk for 15 minutes, they go by so fast.  What he said really concerned me.  The detention center has become over populated.  There are 70 people to a room and now there are beds in the gym, hall ways and people sleeping under stairs.  Obviously there are no bathrooms in the gyms.  The conditions there are worsening.  Jose also mentioned that two men, who were recently deported, were killed in Mexico.  I don't know the details but this scared the crap out of me. Hopefully when I talk to him next he'll be able to give me more details about that so I can relay the info to Mr. Little B.  I tried to find information online about people who were deported were killed at the border or shortly after, no luck.  Not even with Mexican news, so if anyone reading this knows of some please send the links my way?

We have court this and next Wednesday.  I'm praying for something good to happen this time.  We really need some good news.  Every time we are in court or awaiting some sort of decision I am hopeful only to be shut down by a denial or not get a response at all.  It's like the Universe is telling us to give up, all we want is for something to go our way.  Jose is tired, he's been detained for almost 7 months now.  He's far away from us and is living in really bad conditions at the center.  My son misses his father and I miss my Gordo.

Life on pause

As each day passes it feels like our lives are on pause.  The world hustles and bustles all around us.  People going here and there, living, laughing and loving.  Women are having babies, couples are getting married.  It's happy times for most.  Men and women in a rush to get their kids to school and to work on time.  Children playing in the park while their parents watch on.  The world continues to spin on it's axis.  Day and night come and go.  As life goes on for others our lives are like this misty, stagnant fog in the center.  It doesn't quite move, it lacks color and emotion.  It doesn't move forward in great leaps but moves at a crawl when forced to.

I'm envious of those people who complain about their significant others.  How I wish to have those small and meaningless arguments about laundry and whose turn it is to wash the dishes.  If only I can pick a fight with Jose about why he insists on not moving over the extra inch to place the fork inside the sink rather than next to it.  Oh what I'd give to be able to hold his hand or hear his voice at lunch time asking how to make dinner for that night.  What I wouldn't give to call him only to find out he's at the park with Cairo and they haven't done homework yet.  I do anything to be able to come home to the biggest mess in the kitchen made by him and Cairo attempting to make something they saw on T.V.

Living life without him is just not the same.  Going to bed at night, waking up the in the morning, grocery shopping, weekends at home, evenings at the park...none of it, it's just not the same without my Gordo.  So far Jose has been absent for:

• his own birthday
• the end of spring
• a first communion
• Cairos last day of kindergarten
• my brothers birthday
• my birthday
• Cairos birthday
• my sister-in-laws birthday
• a friends baby's first birthday party
• a block party
• Cairos first day of 1st grade
• Cairo joining the Cub Scouts
• all summer
• a baptism
• several school events
• the beginning of fall

He's going to miss Halloween, going to the Circus, my cousins visit and most likely Thanksgiving.  I can only pray that he's home by Christmas.  To the outside world it looks like we are care free, with out any problems.  If you take a closer look you'll see a wife and son who are, as Cairo so well put it, crying on the inside.

Our lives are on pause and I all I want to do is hit the reset button.

Cairos Burden

Every day Cairo opens my eyes to how receptive he is and how much of this situation he is bearing on his shoulders.  The things he says can be very difficult to hear.  Not too long ago it was picture day at school.  He was very angry at having to take his picture.  He kept saying he didn't want to take his picture.  I didn't really understand why he was so upset.  A couple days ago an order form, from the photographer, came home saying "It's not too late to order!!", along with it came the wadded up order form that was supposed to be sent with Cairo on picture day.  I asked Cairo why he didn't bring the first form home.  He said he didn't bring it home because he didn't want me buying pictures, pictures cost money and we need all our money for his papi to come home.  It all made sense.  Around the same time a little girl told him she's give him a dollar to cut in line.  He took the dollar and let her cut.  He came home with the dollar saying it was a good deal because we need more dollars for his papi.  Last week as we were on our way to therapy he asked me what he could do to help his papi.  I told him the most important thing he can do is pray for him to come back.  I told him it was a job that only special people can do.  These moments give me a glimpse of the enormous burden he is carrying around every day.   He's six, he shouldn't be carrying that burden, Cairo shouldn't be worried about money or his dad.  Needless to say the dollar went back to the little girl and I ordered his school pictures.

All I want to do is lift this burden from him.  The messed up part is I can carry only so much myself. 

How I predicted the future

Years ago I tried to have a conversation with Jose about his status.  I told him we had to do something about it and that I didn't want him working.  He of course brushed it all off saying it would be impossible for the government to catch every one much less deport them.  My biggest concern was for him to be rounded up somewhere or pulled over and I didn't want him driving around or in a situation where he could be arrested.  My argument at the time, and we're taking about at least 4 or 5 years ago, was it wouldn't be that difficult.  I told him there are plenty of racist people in this country, many of them in positions of power.  It would just be a matter of time before the grip would tighten and people would have no choice to migrate else where if not to their home countries.  All people had to do was require State IDs for everything.  With the passing of the Alabama law which was upheld by Judge Blackburn a whole new dynamic is hitting the state and our country.  Children have stopped going to school for fear of being deported or having one if not both of their parents deported and now it appears that even getting water services can get you deported. This is exactly what I had told Jose way back when, it was just a matter of time.  Start cutting of basic needs for lack of proper identification and people will have no choice but to hit the road.  I would like to think the Alabama law will be shut down, but in the mean time it is alive and well and it's hurting a lot of people.  Even if the federal government managed to kill the law, the damage that it has caused can not be undone.

The ignorance and racism behind this and all the other laws boggles my mind and quite frankly scares me.  I'm brown, I'm a U.S.Citizen but I'm brown.  Dark hair, brown eyes and every thing.  If I happen to go to Alabama and someone heard me speaking Spanish, I have no doubt that they'd wonder about my status.  It's sad to think that in my own country I feel unwelcome but that'ts exactly how I feel.  I'm not gonna lie, when I drove down to see Jose with my brother I was a little concerned about what we were going to experience.  We had stopped at a Steak N Shake and although the service and food was excellent, I couldn't help but notice the other customers looking at us weird.  Maybe it was just my imagination.

Alabama will never be the same after this. Those who were afraid have been ousted and those who were ready to uphold the law now have ICE on speed dial.  

6 months & counting

Today marks 6 months since Jose was arrested.  Since then so many things have happened.   Weeks after Jose was taken by ICE Governor Quinn backed out of S-Comm and recently the Cook County Sheriff also backed away from the horrible program that does little to keep communities safe.  Both decisions were too late for Jose but will, thankfully, stop other families from being separated.

As I mentioned in my previous post I sent a request to the ICE director here to get permission to marry Jose.  I hope this time it moves much faster.  I'm looking forward to being able to be in my Gordos arms even if just for a moment.  Sadly this will be a treat we will not be able to share with Cairo since he is not "needed" for the ceremony.  I'm going to try and argue him in but we'll see.  I've sent a letter to States Attorney Alvarez in hopes she will help us some how with Jose's old case.  I've decided to send that letter to Senator Durbin and the Governor.  As my friend said "what's the worse that can happen?". She's right the worst part is already here, Jose is gone and may never be able to come back.

Cairo and I are both in therapy now.  I've only been going for a couple of weeks so far.  Cairo has been going for about two months now.  He's become much more vocal about his feelings.  He's made very strong statements about how he's interpreting what is going on.  It's a good thing though because he's letting it out rather than keeping it all in.  It's just very heart breaking.

I've made an effort to be home on the weekends rather than spend the entire weekend at my parents house.  I've actually enjoyed it.  We get to accomplish alot more things at home and I noticed I'm less on edge.  I love my family but sometimes some of them are not very supportive.  Plus I already see some of them 5 times a week, that's more than enough.


I'm also looking for a second job.  Between our super basic needs, life and all the attorney fees I'm facing one of several things can happen.  The worse is that I will be out thousands of dollars and no attorneys to finish either of Jose's cases.  I'm getting really frustrated.  You'd think with the holidays coming up there would be a lot of seasonal hiring.  I feel like such a jerk.  So many people are currently unemployed and I'm over here hoping to get a second job.  I just hope I can get a second job before time and the little money I have left runs out.

It's like my dad's dead

I recently wrote our states attorney for help with Jose's case.  I included how we met, why we divorced and the kind of family we are today.  I also added how this whole situation is affecting Cairo. The therapy, nail tearing, binge eating, crying, angry outbursts and the constant questions about his return...

"When is my daddy coming home?"

"Why is it taking so long?"

"I can't wait anymore, when will he be here?"

"Why won't the police let him go?"

"Is my papi a bad person?"

The day before I sent the letter out I decided to add his most recent statement to the letter.  I felt that it was appropriate.  We were on our way home and it was getting dark outside. We were listening to music, it was a pretty quite drive. Then Cairo blurted out "Mom, It's like my dad's dead, but he's not because I talk to him on the phone".  He hit the nail on the head.  I feel the same way but never vocalized it. I never imagined that he, at 6 years old, would associate his dad being in jail with him being dead. I wanted to break down and cry.  It comes to show that just because kids are quiet at times, it doesn't mean those gears are not furiously turning. It also shows that in the end, all this immigration shit, kids are the ones who ultimately suffer the most.

Goooing to the chapel and we're goonna get maaaarried

Two months ago both Jose and I submitted our requests to ICE so that we can get married.  So far nothing has happened.  Someone that is detained with Jose recently got married and was nice enough to give us his wifes number so I can get some guidance as to what it is that needs to be done.  I called her last night and she was nice enough to give me all the details.  Details that are not available on ICE's website, details that the office people I've spoken too at the detention center and the county's office were not able to give me.  So I resent my letter today the way she explained and I'm crossing my fingers that soon enough Jose and I will be married, again.

She also mentioned that Jose and I would not be divided by glass and that we would be in the same room together and that we would be allowed time together, supervised by a guard, of course, so no hanky panky ;)  That brought tears to my eyes, I'd do anything to be allowed to just hold his hand.  I'm anxiously waiting for some sort of response.