Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Our looong story

I met Jose at a neighbors birthday party.  My family was there I arrived after spending all day studying at school, I was an undergrad at UIC.  My parents had already known Jose.  All I would hear after school is "Jose this" and "Jose that", I was a little annoyed to be honest but I had to see what all the hub-bub was about, so I made it a point to go and see who this famous Jose was.

I remember it like it was yesterday, I was in the living room talking to some people and in burst this annoyingly funny guy wearing part of a piñata on his head trying to scare one of the guys that was there.  I got one look at him and I thought to myself "is this it?", I wasn't impressed to say the least. Not too long after that, I was on summer vacation and my dad asked him to help out with project at our house.  The man was to dig a hole in the front yard for a sump pump.  Jose dug that hole with a steady pace and ease.  I was the water girl and watched every moment, needless to say he got my attention.  We started dating by the end of summer by the following year we were married.  I started the process to get Jose a green card then.  We didn't continue because Jose would have to leave the country for 10 years before I could complete the process.  This is one of those things a lot of people don't know.  This is why there are so many people who are still undocumented even though they have U.S. Citizen spouses and children.  Marrying a U.S. citizen does not automatically get a person a green card.  This cartoon does a decent job at explaining the process for people who want to come to the U.S (not for those who are already here).

Two years after we were married Cairo was born.  Two years after that we were divorced.  Don't get me wrong I loved him very much and I'm sure he loved me, but he had a lot of growing up to do and I got tired of waiting.  Quite frankly I didn't think Jose would ever change, he was a grown man set in his ways.  We were separated for about a year and during that year Jose was more involved in our lives than when we were living together.  He spent as much time as he could with Cairo.  Shoot, he even started to get along with my family.  He did as much as he could to help my brother at his house, Cairo and I were living there.  Jose shoveled snow, cut grass, painted rooms, fixed this and that.  He was around a whole lot during that year.   After that year we decided to give our relationship another try, I did still love him after all and we had Cairo who desperately loves him.   We got ourselves an apartment and there we were again at square one with a toddler.  In these last couple of years Jose showed me he did grow up.  He was more involved at home and with my family.  We spent almost every weekend at my parents house and we even went camping a few times.  Finally we were a family.  We decided we wanted to buy a house and we did March 17, 2011.  March 25th we moved in and 11 days later....well here we are.  Jose's in an immigration "detention center" (it's a prison no matter what you call it), I'm writing a blog and Cairo has started seeing a therapist at the age of 5.

The thing that bothers me the most about this whole ordeal is finding out how unjust the laws in place are.  You would think that once we were married and I started the process to get Jose a green card that there shouldn't be any hurdles.  Yet there is, a 10 year long hurdle.  Of course there is a waiver but good luck getting that accepted.   Even now, if we can not keep Jose here, he would be at least banned for 10 years before I could petition for him to come home, that would mean Cairo would be 16 years old by the time his dad could come live with us in the house we bought.  The other option would be to go live in Mexico, although if this were 10 maybe 5 years ago I might have jumped on the band wagon but considering all this stuff that's going on there (**warning, link contains violent images**), I'm scared out of my wits.  I don't know how the families who are already there do it.

Jose is not a bad guy, he has a good heart, is a good dad and a good husband to me.   He is my and Cairos family and we love each other very much.  Sure he's made mistakes in the past but who hasn't?  I've forgiven him, why can't our government?  The problem with this government is that it does everything it can to make it damn near impossible to progress.  Criminalizing moral decisions is not the role of government.  Far too many minorities are criminalized for minor drug charges.  The gap in sentencing between social classes and minorities is far is too large.   Undocumented immigrants are held in "detention centers" but are treated like terrorists.

It's sad that people who are residents or naturalized citizens have this false sense of security.  Any mistake, no matter how minor could be a slap on the wrist for an American but it means deportation for them. 

First Therapy Session

Last night Cairo went to his first therapy session with Katie.  I explained to him that we were going to a place where he was going to meet Katie and he was going to be allowed to play with toys and talk to her about anything he wanted to.  He right away asked if he could talk about his dad and I said of course.  

I was, and still am, a little apprehensive about the process.  Cairo is to be alone with a complete stranger for 45 minutes behind closed doors.  I know it sounds bad but he's my only son and it's bad enough our dysfunctional family is going to mess him up for life add to that his dad being ripped from his life at such a tender age, let's just say I don't want anything else to happen to him.   Katie, came out to the waiting room, she is super nice and I got the impression that she is very open to kids and their weirdness (cuz you know kids can be weird sometimes), I felt comfortable with her and Cairo was smitten with her the moment she said "Hi!".  I had told him if he didn't like her or didn't feel comfortable that he didn't have to go.  Right away he asked if he could go with her and off he went.  I spent the 45 minutes reading blogs on my phone, next time I'll take my ipod and listen to a book. When they came out it's like he was the energizer bunny.

"Mom! Mom! Guess what she has?!?!  She has a sand table and little monitos I got to play with and carritos and troquitas!!! Can I come back tomorrow???"

Yes, my little spanglish baby had a great time.  It felt good that he had fun.  I gave him his space and only asked if he had fun and if Katie was nice.  He told me that he got to play and to talk and that they talked about his papi.  He said he liked it and wanted to go back.  So here we are, day 1 of therapy for my changuito and he doesn't even know it.

Friday, July 15, 2011

It's hard to ask for help

I just started Joses petition yesterday and I've got printed versions to ask people if they can sign it.  I thought it would be a good way to get the online peeps to sign and the too tech savvy to sign it.  The first person I asked to sign the paper petition was one of my mom's neighbors, it was not difficult to ask her, she willfully accepted and even spoke well of Jose.  Tonight a few of us went to another one of my mom's neighbors house for a Tupperware party thing (and yes, it was a real Tupperware party not an "alternative" Tupperware party), there were plenty of would be signers of the petition.  I was able to ask the women I knew to sign it and they did, I could not, on the other hand, ask the other women or the men to sign.  The hostess and my sister-in-law asked for me, I just broke down in tears.  I could not bring myself to vocalize the purpose of the petition.  This is an emotional hurdle I just can't get passed. Talking to my sister-in-law earlier I thought it was my insecurities, el que diran? (what will they say?) syndrome.  The more I think about it now, it's not so much el que diran, it's the fact that I feel extremely vulnerable, I feel weak.  I never really learned how to ask for help when I need it, my family can tell you that.  It was hard enough to open up to close friends about this but now to tell people that do not know me or Jose or my family very well and to ask them to sign something for us, it's hard. I'm going to do my best to get passed it, it's one more hurdle I need to get over and it's not the biggest considering everything else that's going on.  I've said this before and I will say it again, I am very humbled and touched by the generosity and support we have gotten so far.  Thank you to all of you, I hope to be able to return the favor in some way.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Real friends are hard to find

I was told "you'll know who your true friends are when you are in need" when I was teenager, I can't remember by who but it stuck in my head.   I'll be the first to admit it, I'm the worst friend ever.  I don't keep in touch as often as I should, I prefer email or txt messages over a phone conversation and I'm down right thoughtless sometimes.  I don't do it on purpose or with an intention to offend or ward of anyone.  I think it's because I've become a cyber hermit of sorts.  I've lost social skills to technology, I'm not trying to excuse myself just trying to explain the why I am how I am.

Since the possibility of Jose's deportation got hurled, into our tranquil for the most part, lives I've been working to try and get him home.  I didn't announce to the world "Hey! Guess what's going on!!!", there were very few people who knew Jose had been picked up.  My own insecurities and not knowing what was going to happen or how quickly kept me quiet about it.  After Joses first court appearance Mr. Little B asked that I get together family photos and reference letters for Jose.  The photos I can get....but reference letters?  I know I can count on my family but who else would be willing to write up reference letters for Jose?  So, I started asking around, my friends, coworkers people I know that have interacted with him....I mean what's the worse that could happen right?  I even started tracking down some of Joses buddies, some he had known for years and had even come to our house on an occasion or two.  Thanks to some I was able to get in touch with people he had lost contact with and had known since before he met me, ten years ago.

I'm so grateful that I was able to find these people.  They are willing to help us out and write letters for Jose.  People I'm meeting for the first time and my own friends who have had minor interactions with him, at birthday parties and such, but are more than willing to help.  I'm touched that so many people are willing put on paper that they know him and can vouch that he's not such a bad guy.  What I did not expect was to have some of his "friends", people he probably talked to the day before he was detained, to disappear.  I guess they weren't really friends?  Then why say you'll help and then bail?  Knowing that someones life and their families life could be affected and all you need to do is say he's not a threat to society....I mean wouldn't you do it for someone you knew?  It seems like a really small thing you can do that could really help someone...no?

Like I said, I think I'm horrible friend, I don't keep in touch as often as I should and sometimes I forget to call back.  One thing is for sure, I won't leave a friend hanging like that.  I may not be able to loan money, cuz lord knows my budget is a work in progress but if someone I know needs to be vouched for,  heck yeah I'm gonna do it, no doubt about it.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Mi Torta de Jamon Gordo

Ever since Jose has been detained I engulfed myself with reading articles on immigration.  I've learned so much not only about what direction politicians are going on the subject but also how many "Americans" feel about the subject.  Reading the comments on the articles just depress the heck out of me.  I can't believe how horrible people feel about undocumented immigrants.  It's like people have lost their humanity, compassion and empathy for their fellow man.  To top it off all the comments are ignorant to the immigration laws in this country.  The Daily News recently posted article about women who are living in exile outside of the United States because their spouses have been deported.  The comments on this article stuck a cord, in particular:

"To all the women who marry illegals, or choose to marry down. Too bad if you don't like what is said about the subject. This format is one of the few places Americans can voice their opinion without fear of job loss or government retaliation. What did you down dating fools think? That everyone would be supportive? Not ! Women love to date losers, can I ask you women the size of your husbands bank accounts? Could it be 4 figures at best, or perhaps zero! It's not so much that these men have immigration problems that disturb me. It's the whole package, I'm sure they have zero bank accounts, zero job opportunity, and wives and children in their home countries. A woman will fall in love with a ham sandwich."

Comments like the one above is the reason why I stopped reading them.  I've been following most if not all of the blogs mentioned and even though I have just started reading these blogs, the fact that they are blogging and reading their experiences have given me hope that regardless of what happens to Joses case, in the end we are going to be ok and we are going to make it.  These are the blogs I follow that have written about their "Ham Sandwiches":

Corin in Exile
The Real Houswives of Ciudad Juarez
Living South of Sanity
Greenga Girl
A Year in the Life of Krystal

In solidarity, here are 25, of the many, reasons I love my Torta de Jamon Gordo:

  1. Because of him I have a beautiful son
  2. Not once did he ask me to drop out of school to be a stay at home wife, my parents biggest concern
  3. He as a beautiful heart, even though not many people get to see it
  4. He's not afraid to wash dishes or sweep or mop or do laundry even though most "Machos" think that's a womans job
  5. He can talk about "girl" stuff without acting like a 13 year old and understands if I need to rest or need to be left a lone for a bit
  6. His jeans look like my sons, torn at the knees from playing carritos on the floor
  7. He has the strength of a bull but is ever so gentle
  8. No matter how badly my dad treats him, he does his best to be patient with him.  If you've met my father you'll know, that in itself is HUGE
  9. When he does handyman work at our or my parents house, he always lets Cairo "help" in a way that doesn't cause too much damage but makes Cairo feel important
  10. He complains about my choice of paint color, as he paints the walls
  11. I can come home with a tree and all he would ask is "Where do you want it?"
  12. He's not afraid of physical labor
  13. He doesn't know how smart and skilled he really is
  14. He can fix almost anything without having to consult google
  15. His response to my brother and sister-in-law moving was "Tell them I'm sorry I'm not there to help"
  16. He loves his son with all his heart
  17. No matter how angry he gets he has never ever raised a hand at me
  18. He is protective of his family
  19. He loves to cook, even though his culinary skills are still in development :)
  20. He'll stay up doing laundry if I need him to
  21. I never have to ask him to take out the garbage
  22. He shows his appreciation for people with actions not words
  23. He manages to always make me feel better when I'm upset or hurt
  24. We can talk all night about nothing and everything
  25. If the world as we know it were ever to end, we'll survive thanks to him
I LOVE YOU GORDO!

3 Months and Counting

Today marks 3 months since Jose was taken from us.  I miss him a lot and so does Cairo.  I have an appointment this week with a pediatric psychologist.  I'll be going first, alone, then they are going to tell me when Cairo will go and how often.  He'll turn 6 next month....another milestone his dad will miss.   Jose was supposed to call last night but didn't and I totally missed his called tonight!  I feel horrible, I was picking up stuff from a very good friend who was donating to our cause.  To make up the money for Joses attorney fees my sister-in-law and I have been setting up garage sales every weekend at the community garage sale in our area.  I've asked my friends and family to donate things they were already planning on donating so we can sell them to raise the money we need.  I am very blessed to have the friends and family I have, I am touched by the support.  There are no words to describe how grateful and humbled I am.

Yesterday was the 4th of July and typically I would have been all gun ho about the bar-b-ques and fireworks.  I have to admit I was really excited to take Cairo to see fireworks on Friday night.  It was his first ever fireworks show and his face lighting up was just priceless, I really wish Jose could have seen it.   He was amazed at all the lights and he didn't flinch too much at all the booms, he sat by me mesmerized by the colors in the sky.  It was great.

For me, this whole weekend all I kept feeling was disappointment.  Shoot I was born in this country thanks to the sacrifice of my immigrant parents, yet I found myself very unpatriotic.  Don't get me wrong I am very grateful that the country I live in is safer than most.  I'm grateful that I can drive home in the middle of the night and know I will actually arrive safely.  That my son can be in school and I don't have to worry about a stray bullet reaching his classroom, for that I am very grateful.  I am also grateful that we can buy groceries with out driving into a shoot out.  Grateful, I am, that I don't have to worry about men coming into my home to torture and kill us.  I am very grateful that I was born in this country, but this entire weekend I kept thinking over and over in my mind how can I be a proud American when the country I love is ripping my family apart?  I can't seem to find middle ground, I love my country but I hate what it's doing to my family.