Cairo and America miss Jose - One year later

Wow, early this month marked the anniversary of when Jose was pulled over. I can't believe the drastic change between then and now. He's been home for 4 weeks now and it's like he was never gone. Looking back I remember the feeling of hopelessness and frustration. Seeing the pain this has caused on my son, who was 5 years old at the time, was killing me slowly. My thoughts ran drastically from one place to another. One moment I would refuse to let Jose go and at another I would think F*** IT, we'll make due in Mexico one way or another. Sometimes I would imagine us there and how we would live, I would get scarred of not being able to provide for Cairo. I would cry at the thought of him trying to make his way back only for him to never make it home. At other times I would envision us here, home, living our lives like we did before. I would see us going camping and on family vacations, cooking out in our yard and playing at the park.

When Jose was gone we didn't really live, being on our own made our lives chaotic. We were always rushing to places, school, work etc... We didn't seem to have time to do anything outside of school and work. I didn't see Cairo being an average child, doing activities at school or outside of school. I didn't have time to do those things with him because we were always rushing. Now that Jose is home life is so different. I feel more at peace, life is not as rushed. Cairo is one hundred times happier. He no longer puts himself on time outs and he's slowed down on ripping his nails off, they don't bleed any more, he's too busy to pick at them.

Both Jose and I had our emotional roller coasters during this time and we both became angry with ourselves and, at times, with God. An experience like this really makes you look at yourself and your beliefs. It makes you ask those questions of why? Why is this happening? Why is this being allowed to happen? It also makes you doubt what you believe and what you want to believe. These questions, which were asked over and over in my mind, in particular when doors were harshly shut in our faces, made me pray even harder. Yes I was angry and doubtful but it didn't make me stop praying and asking for help. This past year was one of the worst years of my life, but now that I look back at it I can see how both Jose and I have changed for the best. Our family is more united than it was before and we feel completely and utterly blessed for this second chance of being together. Now I can say that I am grateful to God, now that Jose is home and in a way this experience has reinforced faith in me some how, yet I wonder how would I feel if Jose was not home? How would I feel if he were in still in jail or in Mexico? Would I still be praying for his return or would the little faith I had before this be obliterated? I hope that question will never have an answer, for now I will keep on praying....for Jose, Cairo, my family and everyone else needing support and love.